So…what’s been going on in my life since my last blog entry? I could put on the mask I wear every day and say, “I’ve been super busy”, but I’ve decided to be very honest in this post. I’ve had a horrible past few weeks and I’m frankly reeling from it all. I’m barely keeping it together most days.
- My oldest son, who lives in Canada (about 1000 miles away), was hospitalized for a week because he was suicidal. There was no way for me to physically be there for him, so I had to keep in touch via Facebook Messenger. I would be fine, then I would have moments where I would realize how close I was to losing him. Like when I was doing yoga camp and the mantra for the day was “I am Alive”, and I cried in downward dog. He’s doing okay. Except for tonight, when he was riding his bike home from work and got hit by a car (I just learned about this about an hour ago) and is now waiting in the emergency room to be checked for a concussion. Again. 1000 miles away.
- My second-oldest son was officially diagnosed today with “crippling depression”. He’s two days away from his final day of high school and won’t be graduating. He’ll instead get his GED this summer. He’s right here in my house and I feel like I’ve failed him in vast amounts.
- I have a co-worker who misinterpreted my sadness over #1 (I didn’t share details with her because it’s personal) as anger at her, so she spent that whole week #1 was in the hospital making my work life a living hell. She only changed because she overheard a phone call I had with son #2 that occurred after son #2’s girlfriend contacted me, saying son #2 was thinking about hurting himself.
- I have been so frazzled by all of this that my house is a shambles. I then become so overwhelmed when I see said shambles that I cannot do anything to fix it.
- I am at the end of my anti-anxiety medicine and need to go see the doctor for a renewal of my prescription. But I’ve been so scattered over #1-4 that I’ve been putting it off. Plus, I will have to admit to him that even after he told me a year ago that I really needed to lose weight, I’m only down 25 pounds.
The only positive thing I’ve been doing for myself lately is yoga. I am on day 17 of yoga camp and I normally do it 4 weekdays, twice on Saturday and then once on Sunday. It’s been my savior, really. It’s the only 30 minutes of the day when I feel mostly sane.
I’m sorry this isn’t an upbeat post like usual, but I’m just not in a good place right now. It’s slowly getting better, but I just keep waiting for the next slap to come along. I’ll get my head on straight soon and everything will be fine.
Just not at this moment.
Thanks for listening.