I am officially a mess. The good news is, I’ve reached the breaking point a lot sooner than I usually would have in the past, so changes are going to happen before I have fucked things up too much.
I haven’t weighed myself in months. I haven’t logged food in months. The only thing that I’ve been steadily doing is taking my Zoloft and staying away from soda (for the most part…I have probably 8 ounces per week).
When I’m eating healthier foods, my lactose intolerance because way more tolerant. When I’m watching my portions, I don’t ever feel sick from having eaten too much. When I steer clear of fried foods, my skin doesn’t feel gross at the end of the day.
Why do I sabotage myself this way? Why do I become so overwhelmed with bitterness about having to be one of those people who have to log their food?
What I really really want to do is figure out a way to use a food log app (I use LoseIt!) until I get on track. And then I would like to figure out how to just eat like a normal person. I have two books to read on this subject. I found French Women Don’t Get Fat at Goodwill, and I have How to Have your Cake and Your Skinny Jeans, Too on my Kindle. I have decided that this is the way I need to go.
I don’t know what happened this winter. I can’t explain what went wrong and when. I have been so outrageously stressed about money and life, and going off the food wagon really just added to my anxiety.
Someday, I’ll get back on the wagon and stay there. Maybe I’ll put a cushion on the wagon and add Netflix and perhaps a blanket fort. Maybe if I make the wagon my own personal safe space, I’ll stay there. God, I hope so. I’m tired of falling off. It hurts my knee.