Playing Catch-Up

So…what’s been going on in my life since my last blog entry? I could put on the mask I wear every day and say, “I’ve been super busy”, but I’ve decided to be very honest in this post. I’ve had a horrible past few weeks and I’m frankly reeling from it all. I’m barely keeping it together most days.

  1. My oldest son, who lives in Canada (about 1000 miles away), was hospitalized for a week because he was suicidal. There was no way for me to physically be there for him, so I had to keep in touch via Facebook Messenger. I would be fine, then I would have moments where I would realize how close I was to losing him. Like when I was doing yoga camp and the mantra for the day was “I am Alive”, and I cried in downward dog. He’s doing okay. Except for tonight, when he was riding his bike home from work and got hit by a car (I just learned about this about an hour ago) and is now waiting in the emergency room to be checked for a concussion. Again. 1000 miles away.
  2. My second-oldest son was officially diagnosed today with “crippling depression”. He’s two days away from his final day of high school and won’t be graduating. He’ll instead get his GED this summer. He’s right here in my house and I feel like I’ve failed him in vast amounts.
  3. I have a co-worker who misinterpreted my sadness over #1 (I didn’t share details with her because it’s personal) as anger at her, so she spent that whole week #1 was in the hospital making my work life a living hell. She only changed because she overheard a phone call I had with son #2 that occurred after son #2’s girlfriend contacted me, saying son #2 was thinking about hurting himself.
  4. I have been so frazzled by all of this that my house is a shambles. I then become so overwhelmed when I see said shambles that I cannot do anything to fix it.
  5. I am at the end of my anti-anxiety medicine and need to go see the doctor for a renewal of my prescription. But I’ve been so scattered over #1-4 that I’ve been putting it off. Plus, I will have to admit to him that even after he told me a year ago that I really needed to lose weight, I’m only down 25 pounds.

The only positive thing I’ve been doing for myself lately is yoga. I am on day 17 of yoga camp and I normally do it 4 weekdays, twice on Saturday and then once on Sunday. It’s been my savior, really. It’s the only 30 minutes of the day when I feel mostly sane.

I’m sorry this isn’t an upbeat post like usual, but I’m just not in a good place right now. It’s slowly getting better, but I just keep waiting for the next slap to come along. I’ll get my head on straight soon and everything will be fine. 

Just not at this moment.

Thanks for listening.

Yoga on My Mind

Can I just say it? I’m going to say it.

I am so proud of myself!

I don’t say that often enough, honestly. I was taught from a young age that to boast self-pride made you look stupid and as if you were trying to say you’re better than everyone else.

But I’m not.

I am just so proud of myself.

I have done (performed? practiced? survived?) yoga for nine days in a row.

In fact, I have found a woman on YouTube who very well might be my soulmate. Her name is Adriene, and she has tons of yoga videos for all different levels of yoga peeps. (I need to learn the lingo still…)

In fact, she has a 30 day yoga camp and I just completed day two:

I did not look that graceful or poised, but dammit I did it.

Here are a few links:

I would also like to point out that I went to the zoo today with my daughter’s preschool class and walked four frickin’ miles. Then I came home and did 50 minutes of yoga!

More later. I didn’t realize that the video would be 50 minutes and now my poor family is starving because they don’t know how to survive without me.

Mama Say Namaste

Oodles of Zoodles!

A while back, I bought a Veggetti spiralizer. It was about $10 at Walmart, and it looks like this:

I wasn’t sure if I would like using it, so I went with the base model. Spoiler: I’m definitely upgrading!

There are two settings, so I tried both, but I put them in one bowl, so you’re not going to be able to see the difference. Sorry.

Holy shit, they were gorgeous! Zucchini is one of my top five favorite foods. At one point in my life, I was eating at least one zucchini per day. It’s a very versatile food, and I would definitely marry it if I weren’t so happy with my husband.

Oh! Quick side note about zucchini. If you are growing zucchini in your garden, please don’t let it get to be too large. 

If you have to give it its own seatbelt, it’s useless. The natural zucchini flavor is diluted. The seeds are way too big. The flesh on the inside just tastes squishy. The perfect size is what you’d want to use for a zucchini boat. I actually like them even smaller than that, but they would be pointless as Zoodles.

Back on point!

Next, I cut up some beautiful white mushrooms and organic snow peas.

The sauce was made with a teaspoon of flour mixed with a blop of Hoisin sauce, a few shakes of soy sauce and a gurgle of chicken stock.

Everything was prepped, so it was time to get cookin’! I heated the pan for my shrimp (large and raw since I knew it would be cooking a bit longer with the veg).

Take the shrimp out when it’s just done. Add in the peas and shrooms. Cook for a few minutes. Add in the sauce and let it thicken. Add in the Zoodles and put the shrimp back in. Let it cook for about one more minute. It goes fast!

Up in the top right of that picture, you’ll see what appears to be a spiral noodle. It is not! It’s the inside of the zucchini after it’s been spiralized. So bam!

I grabbed my chopsticks and dug in. I got three meals out of this puppy.  Delish!

In other news, I’m going on about a week of doing yoga once a day. I am loving it! My sister and I are starting a 30 day yoga challenge on Monday, so more on that in another post. However, I did get my new monster yoga mat in the mail today. It’s super cushy, so it should help out with my bum knee quite a bit.

I’m about to try it out in a bit, so I’ll write a review.

Namaste! Eat your Zoodles!

Journaling and Yoga

I’ve been working in the journal I designed, coming up with some fixes for the next version. I’ve been drinking my water while at work (and peeing about 10 times during my 8 hours there). I’ve been incorporating healthy things into each meal. Tonight, I did 20 minutes of “stress relieving” yoga that kicked my ASS.

These are the positive things from the past week. 

I would write more right now, but I just finished that relaxing yoga video that has caused my legs to turn to jelly and my brain to turn to mush.

So I believe I’ll write more later.

Bye bye, pounds!

And Here. We. Go. Again!

A lot of things have happened in the past week that got me to this point.

That was hoaky. Everything that happens gets you to the next point, right?

What I’m saying is that this is a very special moment in history. I have a weight-loss cycle. It’s something I could set my clock by. And I’ve broken this cycle for the first time EVER. So let’s just rehash what has been happening in my life to get me here.

Normally, I get all gung-ho about losing weight. I change my eating habits and I lose weight and all is great. And then something happens in my life that causes me to break my stride and I fall off the wagon and I muddle around in the mud until I’ve gained everything back. I lose all desire to better myself. I downright wallow in how horrible I am for having come so far and then failing again.

So…that’s where I’ve been. Wallowing in the mud.

But a few things have happened that have pulled me out of that gunk and placed me squarely back on solid ground. Continue reading “And Here. We. Go. Again!”

Hello, WordPress? It’s me, Tanjalin.

I am officially a mess. The good news is, I’ve reached the breaking point a lot sooner than I usually would have in the past, so changes are going to happen before I have fucked things up too much.

I haven’t weighed myself in months. I haven’t logged food in months. The only thing that I’ve been steadily doing is taking my Zoloft and staying away from soda (for the most part…I have probably 8 ounces per week).

When I’m eating healthier foods, my lactose intolerance because way more tolerant. When I’m watching my portions, I don’t ever feel sick from having eaten too much. When I steer clear of fried foods, my skin doesn’t feel gross at the end of the day.

Why do I sabotage myself this way? Why do I become so overwhelmed with bitterness about having to be one of those people who have to log their food?

What I really really want to do is figure out a way to use a food log app (I use LoseIt!) until I get on track. And then I would like to figure out how to just eat like a normal person. I have two books to read on this subject. I found French Women Don’t Get Fat at Goodwill, and I have How to Have your Cake and Your Skinny Jeans, Too on my Kindle. I have decided that this is the way I need to go.

I don’t know what happened this winter. I can’t explain what went wrong and when. I have been so outrageously stressed about money and life, and going off the food wagon really just added to my anxiety.

Someday, I’ll get back on the wagon and stay there. Maybe I’ll put a cushion on the wagon and add Netflix and perhaps a blanket fort. Maybe if I make the wagon my own personal safe space, I’ll stay there. God, I hope so. I’m tired of falling off. It hurts my knee.

Sunday Musings

I’ve had the past two weeks off from work. I go back tomorrow and, frankly, I’m dreading it. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past two weeks, and I could use another two weeks at home. 

Two things that haven’t been the greatest during my break have been my eating habits and the fact that I got whalloped with a horrible cold. I’m still coughing and blowing my nose, but am now feeling tons better than I was. Because I was sick, I didn’t accomplish even a fraction of the house tasks I wanted to do, but I guess they’ll keep.

My eating has been horrible. Because of the holiday, we were pitifully broke for the majority of my break, so I really ate what was available. I miss fresh vegetables and fish and chicken. I will get back to that. I promise. And I’ll start logging my food again. I will not give up!

What I did realize was that I didn’t have a single anxiety attack during my whole time away from work. My stress levels were completely manageable, when while flat broke and sick. Even with the kids here with me 24/7, I didn’t get that niggling feeling of being overwhelmed and that the world might just crash around me. Tonight, I feel the edges of it creeping back because I’m going to work again tomorrow.

I realize that says volumes about what my resolution for the new year should be, but I’m going to leave it unsaid. I am still processing my epiphany.

In my time of pennilessness, I did realize that I am most definitely a kitchen witch. I found that the time I’ve spent watching Chopped and my creativity really sparked something in the kitchen. When I looked at what I had in the fridge and the pantry and decided to make the best meal I could, I really had fun and came up with some great dishes. I made Hamburger Helper (that shit is hideously salty!) with a round steak I had in the freezer. I made the best breakfast quiche of my LIFE with leftover potatoes au gratin and bacon. See? 

You just smash the potatoes against the sides of the bowl and bake it for about ten minutes, then add in the eggs and bacon, then bake for another twenty minutes. It was heavenly.

I really enjoyed myself! However, like I said, I really missed fresh vegetables. I look forward to stopping at the grocery store tomorrow and stocking up.

It’s a new year. It’s not a new beginning, though. It’s more of a recharge and a time to make sure you’re still doing the things you need to in order to stay on the path you’ve been trudging along on. At least for me it is.

I’m a complete hermit. I liked not having to go out in the cold weather. I liked just pulling my hair back in a ponytail and wearing the same sweatpants for the third day in a row. I enjoyed not caking on make-up every morning. In fact, I started using lotion on my face every night and every morning, and it feels so much better.

Speaking of morning, I have to hopefully fall asleep soon because 6am is wayyyyy earlier than the 9am I’ve become accustomed to. At least I know we’ll have coffee ready when I get to work…

I’m Sick Again…Naturally

What’s a better way to see 2015 into the annals of history than to catch the cold that I nursed the rest of my family through already?

This is day three of the crud, and every day it’s been something new. Day one was all about the sore throat. Day two was when nasal congestion set in. Day three added chest congestion and a cough that makes me want to stop breathing for a while. All three days have been accompanied by body aches, so that’s been fun.

I can’t taste anything that I’m eating, so maybe I’ll lose some weight after Christmas Eating Frenzy 2015. Thankfully, I still have some cans of soup from the last time I got a cold like this, so I should be okay.

And tomorrow, I have absolutely nothing planned other than sleeping until I feel better.

I hate being sick. I hate that no one in my family knows what to do when I’m sick. I’m the caregiver. I’m the one who cooks almost all of the meals. So I when I’m sick, the kids still want to eat (not soup!) and they’re stumped as to how to progress with their day when Mommy just can’t get out of bed. I feel bad for them, but really, I feel worse for me. Because I feel worse…

I’m really hoping I’m better soon, because our New Year’s Eve tradition is to eat summer sausage and cheese for dinner, and since it’s the one time of year I eat summer sausage, I’d really like to taste it.

I hope all of you had a fantastic holiday, and here’s wishing for a super fabulous 2016!

Some ramblings

I’ve hit a plateau of sorts, but I’ve promised myself not to worry about it until after the holidays. As long as I stay where I’m at, I’m happy. In fact, I lost a pound this week in spite of all the holiday work parties! So yay me!

I’m now down 34 pounds. I started at 305 and weigh-in yesterday put me at 271.6. This is the lowest I’ve been in about a decade. And while I’m kind of halted in weight loss, I see changes in my body regularly. My clothes are all baggy, which I’ve decided to also be okay with for now since it’s winter and I enjoy huddling in sweaters. That way, when spring comes and I wear more weather-appropriate clothing, people will think I dropped all kinds of weight overnight😉

When I started, I was wearing a 24, but really should have been in a 26. Everything was skin-tight then and uncomfortable. I had one pair of 26 jeans, and I accidentally grabbed them the other day and pulled them on without unbuttoning them. THAT was a victorious feeling! Also, I bought a sweater that was an 18/20, thinking that I would hold onto it for when it fits. IT FITS NOW! That happened another time recently when I saw a size 18 polka-dotted skirt (polka dots are a weakness) at Goodwill for $1, so I bought it with the intention of wearing it when I’d lost more weight. I tried it on just to see how long I’d have to wait. AND IT FIT! I love that feeling.

Another thing that’s changed is that I wore a winter hat tonight that I crocheted for myself last winter, but never wore before because my face was too fat for it. I LOVE cloches, but mix the size of my gargantuan head with the fluffiness of my face, and I avoid them. But I put mine on tonight and it didn’t look half bad: 

Check out the flower on the side:

Let’s see…what else?

Since I don’t want you to think life is all roses and sunshine, I’ll tell you about my trip to the dreaded Walmart yesterday. I was looking at a clearance rack, trying on cardigans (another weakness), when this older lady approached me and asked me if I knew where the “plus plus” sizes were. She said, “You know, like 3X.”

Here I was just feeling good about myself, contemplating buying a pair of size 18 tights since all of mine are becoming baggy, and she approaches me to ask me this! I really wanted to slap her. Instead, I looked like I was pondering, and replied, “I think they’re way down there on the end.” And she toddled off to find them.

Seriously. Just don’t. That was like asking me when the baby’s due and I’m not pregnant. There was no malcontent in her question. But I look forward to the day when the question is instead if I know where the active wear is located. She really knocked me down a peg. Ugh. My only consolation is that I later saw her holding up a hideously-shaped pink shirt approvingly, so at least I know if we show up at the same place again, I’ll be better dressed than she is.

I’m off work for the next few weeks, so I hope to manage to start a yoga trend that can continue when I go back to the daily grind. I’m still logging my food with Lose It! I’m feeling pretty good, all things considered. My knee has given me very little problems, and my lactose intolerance is being fairly tolerant. 

With that, I’ll leave you with this thought. It’s what drives me daily to not go back. Ever.